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Depression or Mourning?

Journal Entry: Sat Feb 21, 2009, 3:53 PM

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LOVE

I haven't been writing because I am in such a deep funk.

I have a glorious home, yet I feel it is all so very fleeting; I am getting straight As in school, yet I feel like such a failure; My husband dotes on me and writes me poetry for Valentine's Day, yet I feel so alone; My children are all doing so wonderful, yet I feel they will be taken from me in just a short notice. My friends seem so distant; yet I wont answer the phone, door or even e-mail. Why bring anyone else down?

I woke up this morning and got this kiss from God, as if to say, it will all be alright shell, this too shall pass.

Depression? or Mourning? Mourning what? There is so much going on.

Nov 13 sister's suicide
Nov study partner's suicide
Dec daughter's Grandfather's death anniversary
Jan daughter's Grandmother's death anniversary
Feb 4 Cancer World Day late sister's birthday (she died of cancer.)
Feb 26 my birthday... eww not this year
March 3 daughter's father tragic, horrific death anniversary (by gunshot, recorded on a 911 call)
March 9th my mother's death anniversary (more cancer)
March 27th eldest daughter turns 30 (yes that belongs in this list!)

I miss being creative. I miss getting my camera out and exploring. I miss rejoicing in life. This mourning is taking a bit too long. I am moments away from asking my therapist for some DRUGS, but perhaps some more sunrises will help.

I know helping others helps, and most certainly my art. I tried the "performance" routine to feel better, but this is much deeper.

In my hunt for images to show how I feel, I see so much darkness. Yes, that is what is on the inside the brain, but not in the heart. What about being surrounded by beauty and feeling this way? I did not see that art. Perhaps that is the piece I am to do.

It is like my mind knows and my heart knows, and they both can grasp on to love and hope, but the minute I need to "process" something, it all turns dark.

Support

Angel Without Wings ~ AWW Awards VII 2009

1.

suggested by

and =Nameda
Jen is one of the very nice persons on DA. She is very responsible and sympathetic person, which tries to help whereever she can. She does a lot for her fellow deviants and dA. Not to mention what she does allready through being a Digital Gallery Moderator. Also many deviants know and love her wonderful projects: Birthday Board, Digital Thumbshare, Friday Favorites, and last but not least Think Pink , the yearly contest in celebration Jen's years as a breast cancer survivor. For every entrance she sacrifices a sum of money, which after ending of contest is passed to the Susan G Komen Foundation for breast cancer
research. Unfortunately, now the cancer did return to her. Jen we are here for you with our thoughts, love and prayers.

suggested by

and =Nameda
Satu is a very sweet lady who always encourages others to keep trying, even when they have already given up. Even though she may have her personal problems, she never refuses to help people, on whatever topic, especially fractaling. She is actually always ready to help out. Satu might not be one of the most famous people around here, but she is adored by many! She supports everyone, even if they're new to dA, which is somewhat rare. Satu is not only an awesome fractal artist, but also a wonderful friend when you come to know her better, a true angel!

3. on request of the awarded I removed any naming. She doesn't want to be named and stay an angel incognito.

congrats to you all

who are Angel without Wings?

[link] [link]

shell

24 Comments

Mood: Affection
Reading: Search for Significance
Playing: on Facebook
Eating: Buca Di Deppo or the Stinking Rose

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=SunOwl Feb 21, 2009, 4:08:41 PM

Depression and mourning are not mutally exclusive and often go together.

Since you seem unable to enjoy your passions, you might want to seriously consider that depression has snuck in. Don't leave it to fester (as depression has a way of doing) and that's when the real problems set in.

So long as you're aware of it there is something you can do. Take care of yourself.

I wish you well `shell4art.

`davincipoppalag Feb 21, 2009, 4:29:11 PM

All those things can weigh down your heart, particularly in this dark part of the year.. you need to look at the things that are joyous..those sunrises....that you are here to see your family...that your family is doing well.....as you aaid.. this , too, shall pass... ..this,too, shall pass.. rejoice that you are alive to see the sunrise...rejoice that you have love...and friends..

--
Be nice to everyone!

*andyslade Feb 21, 2009, 4:49:53 PM

Just coming out, I hope, of such a "big dip" period myself. It was quite a surprise to see someone else with so many of the exact same symptoms.

I don't know you well enough to comment, make suggestions or *advise*, so I will refrain if ok with you.

What I can say though, is that I hope you find a little solace in the fact there's someone else in the world who feels/felt the same way, I think. Close enough to care anyway.

I really hope that "it" clears or improves - sooner rather than later.

My inbox is always open too if you want anything or I can be of any help at all.

Take care.

--
"..I don't think I've mastered anything. I'm still wrestling with the same frustrations, the same issues, the same problems as I always did. That's what life is like.." - Harrison Ford.

=eskimoblueboy Feb 21, 2009, 4:54:48 PM

Well sweetie. I have similar issues. I've found the best way to get relief is to do something creative whether I want to or not. I force myself on many occasions to go take photos. On a few occasions I have to force myself to visit with my two friends. Usually I'm elated to see them. I don't answer the phone much. I hardly get email from people, but when I do I almost always reply. I don't get on chat anymore. I used to love chat. I've learned I have to get out and play to get better. New thoughts replace the dark ones.
Beats me Shell. God bless you hon.

hugs and love my dear friend.

--
If I could tell the story in words, I wouldn't need to lug a camera. --Lewis Hine

^snowmask Feb 21, 2009, 7:55:38 PM

I personally am a wreck without physical and emotional support. Suffice to say Keith is basically my savior... he gives me purpose to go on living.

I'm thinking with change, perhaps even in the seasons, your mood would see a lighter side

--
_{My Portfolio
Katie Franke
Traditional Art Gallery Moderator}

~Minigeg Feb 21, 2009, 8:40:31 PM

The world is still beautiful.

--
"...and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..."

=carterr Feb 21, 2009, 10:18:10 PM

You have a wonderful family, with wonderful people around you. Ask yourself this. Would those who have passed, want you to mourn forever? Remember yes, be sad yes, but there is life, and you're still in it.

Embrace each day as precious, and get out there with your camera and record it.

Hugs - What you have been through is more than most people, but I know you can do it

--
[link]

=NivaSimon Feb 21, 2009, 11:22:37 PM

hope you fell better soon

--
My sources of inspiration - [link]

visit my gallery - [link]

*steppeland Feb 21, 2009, 11:56:01 PM

I too hope you'll feel better soon, dear... Do continue breathing, do continue looking at beautiful sunrises, do continue remembering love... and, do answer your phone when friends call

: you won't bring them down, but they will lift you up

--
We are all one
---

Sweet lil squirrels by =Tammara
Chirp and Holiday Friends

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Journal History

Dec 27, 2009 Put one foot in front of the other and soon you...
Nov 17, 2009 Hello and Hugs!
Sep 5, 2009 AAU
Aug 5, 2009 Celebrating New Beginnings!
Jul 21, 2009 Missing You Blues
Jul 8, 2009 18years today!
Jun 26, 2009 Time keeps on ticking.
May 8, 2009 Devious Journal Entry
Mar 26, 2009 Emotional Weekend :)
Mar 17, 2009 Spring is Springing Up
Mar 8, 2009 A Day at the Beach, and Park, and...
Mar 7, 2009 Missing You Blues
Feb 27, 2009 Thank you!! Wow!
Feb 26, 2009 Happy Birthday 2 !!
Feb 22, 2009 Thank you
Feb 21, 2009 Depression or Mourning?
Feb 13, 2009 Happy Valentine's Day From Mine to Yours
Feb 7, 2009 Let's get This Party Started!!
Feb 4, 2009 Feb 4th - World Cancer Day
Jan 26, 2009 Ohhh FUN :)

Freedom

Wrapped in Freedom

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Live life wrapped in the freedom to be true to yourself

Never changing..to please someone else...

We worry often if what we say..is what others want to hear..

Acting in peculiar ways to keep others near..

Freedom to reach deep inside..

Being everything you believe in ..never choosing to hide...

To love those around you..without any fear of who you need to please...

To adore the beauty life has to offer..to absorb what you need

To be alive and free..never ashamed of how you feel

Never needing to hide....whats inside...to be what is real..

Being true to yourself..honest in all that you do..

Is a freedom..a gift..wrapped in truth...

Live life wrapped in the freedom to be yourself...

Copyright (c) shell

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=fuzzyzebra: happy birthday!!!!
Thu Feb 26, 2009, 7:30 AM
~Creativeness: Mon Dec 8, 2008, 11:37 PM
=allym007: and lots of by the pool for me, ok ?
Sat Jul 19, 2008, 1:21 PM
=allym007: lots of love from another bedridden friend so far away
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~sonjalv: Welcome back
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=phildeloup: Merci Shell !
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~gypsy116: u rock!
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